my co-sleeping situation....

I'm torn...

One minute I'm writing a post about how I'm DONE co-sleeping, and the next, 

I'm writing about how beautiful it is. 

Nothing is ever as fun when you feel like you HAVE to do it, like you don't get any say in the matter.

Like as a teenager, when you've decided that your room is a mess and you'll clean it in the morning, 

but them mom comes in, and tells you to clean it in the morning.....suddenly you don't want to clean it anymore.

{SOOC}

That's how I'm feeling about co-sleeping about now.

The crib is basically never used. Essex is 100% dependent on sleeping with me. 

He does not nap unless we go for a drive somewhere (doesn't even nap in the baby carrier anymore).

I no longer feel like I have any say. We HAVE to co-sleep, or he simply won't sleep.

This makes it feel like a major drag, and I don't really like it.

{SOOC}

BUT. 

When I take a moment to step outside myself and look at the big picture.

Co-sleeping is so beautiful, and makes sense in many ways too.

I see how God created Essex to fit perfectly in my arm, while we're laying down together.

I see how God created this beautiful situation, so that we can both get a (relatively) good nights sleep.

Thinking about missing out on some of this wonderful snuggly time with my last little boy breaks my heart.... I'm not getting another chance to snuggle with a little baby. 

So far, it's kept my period away for 6 months longer then with the older two. 

^^^That right there is a MAJOR winner in my book^^^

Knowing how much more comfortable he is....

The list goes on.

{SOOC}


I guess I'm just wishing for the best of both worlds. 

Why can't I have the best of both worlds? 

Last night I decided to 'cold turkey' the co-sleeping, 

but by 3am guess where Essex and I were snoozing? 

And not because, I just couldn't keep rocking him in his room,

but every time I got back into my bed, after putting him back to sleep, 

I missed him. I felt like I was missing out on the last of my baby time.

I thought 'this just doesn't make sense'.

{SOOC}

BUT, 

then when I need him to take a nap, 

or if I want to take a shower, or do anything after bed time,

I'm suddenly feeling like it's a major problem. 

I feel like I don't get a choice, like he HAS to be attached to me.